Aside from the above, there are practical ways that help.  The more of these you utilize the better.  But realize, there is no magic “stop looking at porn” pill you can take.  Temptation will follow you your entire life.  It’s been said the best offense is a good defense.  These is very true.  The following ideas are suggestions that I highly recommend EVERYONE follow:

1.  Know your emotional triggers.  Everyone is different.  Common triggers include loneliness, sadness and anger.  When you have these feelings be aware that temptation may very well be right around the corner.

2.  Set boundaries.  I always use the Grand Canyon example.  If you don’t want to fall off the edge of the Grand Canyon, then don’t stand 6 inches from it.  The sand and loose rock can easily give way to send you over the edge.  That’s why the NPS has all those crazy barriers and signs everywhere.  The same is true for temptation (in any form by the way, not just sexual).  If you don’t want to fall off the edge of the porn cliff, set your fences FAR back.  Examples of this would be:

• Keep computers in public/family places. Don’t keep a computer in your room.
• Have a parent (or other responsible person) password protect the internet on various devices (i.e. game consoles, phones, etc.)  Many of these web devices have browsers.  I would also include family computers on this as well.
• Don’t watch movies or read magazines that tempt you to want more.
• Don’t frequent the magazine aisle’s of supermarkets, bookstores, convenient stores, etc.
• Have your parents install and monitor internet filter and/or accountability software on your computer (e.g. Covenant Eyes, X3Watch, SafeEyes, etc.)

3.  Get accountability.  The best place to be kept accountable in any area is the home.  Your mom or dad, ideally, should be the first place you look for accountability.  This will be the person that asks you the tough questions each week about how you’re doing in this struggle.  They will also provide a first line of defense in tempting situations (you can call them any time and they’ll provide an “out”).  I understand that everyone has different levels of relationships with their parents.  If having that type of relationship with a parent is not feasible, next would be a good (trustworthy and responsible) friend.  Other adult leaders (youth leaders, etc.) can be a source for this as well.

4.  Read Every Young Man’s Battle or another book on Biblically based sexual purity.  There are other great options out there, but this is one we have worked with before and recommend.

All of these suggestions, are just that…suggestions.  The point is though, the more layers of defense you set up, the more likely you are to succeed.  You must decide how badly you want to overcome this struggle and how much it’s worth to you.

The last thing I’ll say is this; all of these suggestions are based on the assumption that one has a healthy and growing relationship with Jesus.  Your relationship with God should always come first and is heads and tails above the rest of these suggestions.  If your relationship with Jesus isn’t where it should be; that should be your absolute priority.

The bottom line is this: because of the sin we do, we all deserve Hell.  But God has offered us a way out through his son Jesus.  Those who choose to trust in Him are spared from Hell.  Those who have confessed that Jesus is Boss and Savior of their life, will not go to Hell for ANYTHING they do.

Now, I think the bigger question being asked here is this: Is masturbation a sin?

The answer to that question is a bit more murky and debatable in many circles.  Masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible.  However, the act is usually associated with selfishness and lust.  If you masturbate while looking at porn or other material that would cause lust, that would be sinful.  You might want to reference our Tag Cloud to the right for more posts on masturbation and lust.

A “born-again” Christian means anyone who was a sinner (spiritually dead) and accepts Christ’s sacrifice as the payment for their sin so they can be re-born into a new life of freedom.  It doesn’t just refer to people who sinned sexually – it refers to everyone who sins and then turns from sin and trusts Jesus as their Boss and Savior!  ALL sin separates us from God – and in that sense, there is nothing special about sexual sin.  Whether you were a person who lied, cheated, stole, slept around, or simply a selfish person, it all separated you from God. The good news is that Jesus’s death and resurrection paid for ALL of those sins too!

When you accept Christ’s payment for those sins, you also make the commitment to live a life free from the old sins.  So, if you were a person who slept around before you became a Christian, now Christ gives you a fresh, new start which you can think of as a new virginity. Think of it like a second chance!  Virginity is much more than the technical definition of never having had intercourse with someone – it’s having an attitude of purity and committing to healthy physical and emotional boundaries in your relationships.  You can check out some of our other posts on the term “technical virginity” for more of this idea.

First of all, you should talk to your mom about this!  Your parents don’t set boundaries for you because they are mean and trying to take all the fun out of your life – they do it because they love you and want what’s best for you.  I encourage you to try respectfully bringing the issue up and ask your mom why it’s such a “big deal” to her.

The medical definition of “virginity” has to do with a small covering over a woman’s vagina which is called the hymen.  Its a very thin layer of skin which can be broken when a woman first has intercourse – and sometimes can be broken if you use tampons. It sounds like your mom’s concern about using tampons has to do with this definition of virginity (but you should still ask her!).

Culturally speaking, the term “virgin” usually refers to a person who has not had sexual intercourse.  Through this series though, we are broadening our view of virginity by going beyond what the medical and cultural definitions are – not just a physical virginity, but also in an emotional and spiritual sense (you might want to check out some of our posts on being a “technical virgin” to understand that idea better).  Because the true essence of virginity has much more to do with your heart and your willingness to set healthy physical and emotional boundaries in your relationships, we believe you can be a virgin in this broader sense even if you use tampons. Having said that, we recommend you respectfully talk to your mom about her concerns. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do.”  That means that even when you disagree with the boundaries that your parents set up, you should still obey them because its one way you can show God how much you love him.

With that said though, there are times when simply hugging can be too much for a guy to handle.  There are many situations where guys and girls hug obviously.  And for some of these situations, for some teenage guys (with all the raging hormones) they can be and often are inappropriate.

Let’s take a dating relationship.  The guy already has an interest in you (the girl), right?  I mean, he’s shown that, he’s talked about that, you’re dating…it’s there.  Any guy, in a dating relationship most likely will be sexually attracted to the person they are dating.  That’s without any physical contact at all.  Now, factor in your admiration for him, your attraction for him, and the fact that he knows all these things, and it increases his attraction to you.

In that context, the typical hug (front to front) can evoke sexual arousal from the guy simply because of your relationship, not to mention the proximity to you and the fact that various body parts will most likely be touching (even fully clothed).  Now, factor in a hug that lasts longer than a few seconds, maybe a minute…maybe 10 minutes…longer.  The longer there is contact and close proximity, the more likely the guy will become aroused.

So that’s one situation.  Let’s take a look at a different situation though.  Let’s say you aren’t dating him.  He’s just a friend.  There are still some things you (as a girl presumably) need to be aware of.  The first is that teen guys (even some adult guys too) are very curious.  I’m not sure if you realize this, but when a girl gives a guy a front hug, it’s hard for the guy not to notice certain physical properties of that girl.  That may not necessarily “turn him on” but I don’t believe it’s appropriate none the less.  Keep in mind though, most adult guys (and even some teen guys) are mature enough to handle this appropriately but that doesn’t make it right (for either parties) to put themselves in that situation.

If a person was to get breast implants simply for the reasons of being more attractive, it makes it easier to look at another area on their body that may also need “fixing” too.  Everyone (guys and girls) has body parts that they wish were different and surgery isn’t going to truly fix that.

One of the biggest influences on the decision to get breast implants is the persons view of what is normal and beautiful.  You have to realize though, that we live in an overly sexualized culture.  We are surrounded by movies, tv shows and magazines full of celebrities and models.  Constantly being bombarded with these things shapes our view of what normal and beautiful are.  And we often fail to realize that God sees things differently.

Ultimately, God created us with the bodies that we have. Psalm 139: 13-14 “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  God created each of us to be unique and beautiful women, and I think that it’s important for women to love their bodies for how they are and not compare them to others.

In addition to all of this, no one in their teens should ever consider such a procedure.  The psychological and medical impact of these surgeries is, in my opinion, far to great for a growing body and young mind.

This question was answered in part by multiple female staff members.

I’m assuming that you’re referencing Genesis 2:24 in your question.  It says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”  If you look at this passage, you’ll notice that there are really three things that happen here.  And they happen successively, meaning they happen in order.

The 1st thing is that the man leaves his mother and father.  This is the public act of promising himself to his wife (and vice versa for the wife).  The 2nd thing that happens is that the man is “united to his wife”.  This is the commitment of marriage.  This is the act of joining their hearts in a commitment that stands throughout the tests of time, health, emotion, etc.  The 3rd thing that happens here, is when “they will become one flesh.”  This, the sexual union, comes after the public proclamation and after the commitment of marriage.  Notice the use of the words “will become”.  That alone is speaking of a future event.  In other words, it doesn’t say, “The two became one flesh and therefore were united and so they left their mother and father.”

You’re kind of right in one respect though; tradition does play a role in marriage.  The marriage ceremony has definitely evolved over the course of time.  The details of who it’s for, where it’s held, how it’s led, what is signed, who officiates and so on are often different between cultures and time periods.  Technically, if I were single, I could meet some woman on the street, walk down to the courthouse, pay a fee and have a judge marry us…and I wouldn’t even have to know her name.  But is this really a marriage?  Marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  Marriage is the commitment you make to each other and to God.  However, because we do live in California, couples must also have that marriage certificate to be legally married.  But tradition really has little to do with the sex part.  If you start researching other cultures around the world, you’ll see that abstinence before marriage is not just a US Christian idea.

I’d also add, that if a person’s sole reason for getting married is so that they can have sex, they won’t stay married long.  This is another reason why the divorce rate is so high.  There are too many people who base their relationship on sex rather than on commitment.  The problem is that people all too often rush into a sexual relationship with someone BEFORE that lifelong commitment is made.  And that has devastating results.

The bottom line is this, sex does not equal marriage.  Marriage is a lifelong commitment that a man and a woman make to each other and to God.  Sex is a gift that God has given us to enjoy within the confines of and only after having made that commitment.

For starters, Rob Bell, in the Nooma video series, does a great job at addressing this very topic in the film titled “Flame.”  You can even watch it free online by clicking here.  Just click the thumbnail for Flame and you’re good to go.  It’s only 13 minutes and I highly recommend watching it for a great response to this question.

My personal opinion when it comes to human relationships, is that there are many people (teens and adults alike) who use the word “love” to describe other emotions and feelings (fondness, lust, affection, obsession, infatuation, etc.)

In my opinion, we all need to start thinking a little harder about how we use the word love.  I even struggle with overuse or misuse of the word love.  I mean, I’m really hungry right now and it makes me think of how much I love Taco Bell!

But seriously, I recommend you watch the Nooma video I linked above and just know that the word love does in fact have several important meanings.  There’s not a lot we can do to change our cultures use of the word, other than starting with ourselves.

As for the behavior…I’d say that this girl will definitely regret that decision.  You should be aware of our stance on pre-marital sex by now.  If not, click on the tag on the right column of this page to read some of our responses to previous questions.

Regardless of whether or not this girl “loves” this guy or whether or not she knows how he feels about her, deciding to give the incredibly precious gift of virginity away to anyone but your spouse, is not a decision I would ever recommend.

I’d also recommend reading this post on using sex to get attention from guys and this post from someone who knows what it’s like to give that gift away prematurely.

Here’s what I think may be going on.  I think there may be a little bit of misunderstanding or lack of understanding of God’s grace for our sin.  Sin is what separates us from God.  Sin is what God can’t stand.  But it’s God’s grace (through the death and resurrection of Jesus) that allows us to enjoy a true relationship with Him regardless of the sin we commit.  However, even though we sin and receive God’s forgiveness, there are still consequences to that sin.  And Paul points pretty plainly in Romans 6:1-2 that God’s grace is not an excuse to sin.  He says “Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace?  Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it?”

I also don’t quite understand what the “certain things” are that you mention.  Examples would be helpful.  And as far as not wanting to offend anyone, I think we’ve proven on here that we’re really not afraid of speaking the truth, whether people find that truth offensive or not.  We don’t intentionally phrase or respond to answers specifically to offend anyone, but there is little doubt that there are people who don’t hold the same views as us, and thus may find some statements on here offensive.

As for the last part of the question.  I’m not sure what you want me to explain.  If you’re wanting specific verses that outline boundaries in dating or personal boundaries, you won’t find them.  The Bible never says things like, “Don’t make out with your girlfriend.”  What we have is general guidelines found in the Bible for our sexuality.  One of the most specific areas the Bible spells out is the sin of lust.  I’d encourage you to read our responses to questions on lust (given from a Biblical view).  You can read those posts by clicking on the tag “Lust” on the right hand column, or by clicking HERE.  We have also outlined a couple times on here some important boundaries that will help assure your sexuality will be God honoring.  You can read these posts on boundaries HERE.